Losing myself in the Selection
by Fliuph
Summary: America feels like her personality is fading away at the palace so she deicdes to leave the selection for good. Can Maxon win her back?
1. A new opportunity

Angeles's heat was starting to dry out my hair when I look in the mirror, the curls have dried out, and my vibrant colors look dull as if the sand of Angeles's dessert had laid itself as dust upon my before delicate features. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who has been polished to perfection, with the life in her eyes as the price. I don't see America, the daughter my father raised me to be or the spirit of the country who fought through it all, I just see a dress-up doll as vulnerable as the thinnest porcelain and as boring as the always sleepy cat that lived at the market in Carolina. And all because of that stupid selection. They had made me one of the people who I had dreaded my entire life.

A firm knock on my door brings me away from my wave of thoughts. As Anne walks over to the door, I realize that my life in the palace can't continue as before, I need change and I need myself.

"My dear, oh I am terribly sorry America, you know what they say, old habits die hard. You look stunning darling; I don't believe I have ever seen anyone as pretty as you, my love." Maxon's smile was so wide that I wondered how many strawberry tarts one could possibly fit inside of his mouth before he would start to choke. Yes, my dress was stunning, Lucy and Mary had outdone themselves with a baby blue floor-length dress, it was sleeveless, but the voluminous skirt made up for every inch of missing material on the bared arms. Lucy's hairdo was as amazing as always and the light makeup enhanced my natural glow in a way. I wouldn't have thought it possible a few months ago but in a short period of time simple beauty became all I was.

When I turn around to greet him his face drops in an instant, his gleeful expression is switched to one of confusion and worry.

"America I'm truly sorry, I didn't mean to call you my dear, I know you hate it when I call you that. Please America is it really that big of a problem?" If just he knew, he wouldn't stand there, no he would be running for his dear life.

"How dare you make me one of them, you know how much I dread just being another one of your lovers, a pretty face in the magazine or silly giggle on the Report, I thought you saw me as more than a body with a face covered in makeup, but clearly I was mistaken." My eyes were burning with a fire that had been still since the episode on the town's square back in Carolina when the little boy got whipped for stealing a handful of apples. A fire that couldn't be tamed with soothing words.

"America, you know how much you mean to me, I love you more than all the other girls combined…" But his words fell for deaf ears, how dare that man say that he loves me when he has said the same to all of them, I don't believe for a minute that the other girls have been satisfied with a weekly handholding session after this many months.

"America you could be covered in a million scars and I wouldn't bat an eye."

"America you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for, I made a mistake, but please don't let this destroy what we have." He says it as if we have something more than a fling for the public to enjoy during their dinner on Friday nights, but how can even the best memories we have be worth anything to me if it wasn't fully me who were there?

"Maxon let it go, we can't do this, you need a wife who is satisfied with spending her life in this cage, let's go for dinner and just forget this." Doesn't he get that if I don't love me. He just loves the idea of me and the doll this palace have made me, he surely didn't love me when I spoke up about the castes when I made a scene and he surely wouldn't have loved me either when I lived in Carolina or when I made it my daily mission to sneak out and give money to eights or when I broke rules by being intimate in the treehouse in a secret relationship? And if there is one thing the many lonely nights have thought me, then it is that I need to make all of me a package deal, a deal I don't think Maxon is quite ready for yet.

"How can you say things like that America. How can I let you go? I am left with four girls and you want to leave me because of a compliment? Get your act together and meet me for lunch in the dining hall in ten minutes, if I were you I would tone down my anger a notch." The nerve of that man, doesn't he see, that he makes the palace a colder place than it already is?

"Oh, so now you are ordering me around like your father I guess the apple never falls far from the tree, one bastard makes another one, you know what they say history will always repeat itself. But not all of us are lucky and have our family down the hallway." If just they were here, then they could help me find the true America again. What I wouldn't do to find that little stubborn girl, she would never have stepped a foot inside of this palace, and she definitely wouldn't go on fake dates for the mindless twos and threes to laugh at. No, the real America would have fought as hard as the county whether it led to her downfall or not.

"America enough" and with that, the door closed and I was once again alone with my thoughts.

I decided to switch out of my high heels for a pair of flats, no one could see it anyway, and heels were never my cup of tea. From now one every day would be about winning back the real America.

I walk down the halls in a less graceful manner than I normally would have, but it isn't as noticeable as I would have preferred, Sylvia didn't even comment on my walk. Maybe the fire in my eyes for earlier was still visible, if it could scare Maxon into a scared squirrel, then it should have some effect on Sylvia too, right?

I sit down beside Kriss, she is wearing a red gown that makes her look sweet, elegant and powerful at the same time. She is the opposite of me in so many ways, not only is she a calm, sweet, pretty, well-read and pleasant company, but the longer she stays at the palace the more it becomes her home. She can adapt to this lifestyle. I started strong but every day I feel like I'm fading away, who knows if in a week I'm just a shadow?

I look up at the royal family's table and see that Maxon is discussing something with King Clarkson. Occasionally he looks in my direction. He looks determined, I guess this is my last day at the palace, so I decide to eat a bigger lunch than normal, both salad, lamb and a rice dish I have put off trying for a way to long. When I look up again, Maxon is standing ready to tell us something, I guess my last meal came faster than expected.

"Dear Elite, you have now been here in my home for many months, and I appreciate all of your efforts to make the palace a place where we can all live in harmony." His voice is calm, but I can see that he tries to make eye contact with me, but my eyes are fastened on his blue tie. As he continues to speak, I can hear his nervousness grow with my defiance.

"But the one who becomes my wife will not only have to take on the responsibility of a wife, but also the responsibility of being a queen, a role model, and a leader." And I can be none of that.

"I might live here with the one, but that doesn't mean that her family should be forgotten in the meantime. My father and I have therefore decided that in a week all of the elite will visit their hometown for five days, every day they will host a political event of their liking, with few restrictions." I will get to see my family and just a week before Christmas. I am ecstatic, but I am also sure judging by Maxon's face that the last bit was directed towards me.

"My parents will stay here in Angeles, but I will spend a day with each of you." I can't wait, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have my parents spend that much time with Maxon alone. The last time they met was during the Halloween party, and then there were so many that they never had longer conversations with Maxon. I'm sure that mum loves him, but dad's approval is everything, and what if they fall in love with him, and get their hearts broken when I can't continue the competition?

"We will announce the plans on this evenings Report"f

I must call them; they are going to kill me if they find out during the Report. When the meal is over I tug my ear and hurry up towards my room not looking back once.


	2. Calling home

I am sitting at my piano in my room, I hope that the music will awake something in me. I play a sweet tune that I learned when I was eight. My father had sat with me for hours trying to make me get the melodic rhythm, since that day the piece has been my favorite. When I play the piece, I can feel it in my heart, everything is warm and easy. I could take on the entire world if just I wanted to, all my emotions are changed to happiness and I become carefree.

"America it sounds amazing, or am I not allowed to compliment your music either." Maxon's voice is tense, and I can feel both his anger and fear at the same time. But he broke me out of my trance, my happy place.

"My father taught me" my voice is cold, but it doesn't do a good job of showing him my full emotions. Maxon lets out a breath.

"I am very pleased to hear that" I am not doing this for you, Maxon.

"I hope that seeing your family will do you some good, I know it has been a long time, and that you love them very much." Is everything just a hidden intent to make me satisfied with this extravagant lifestyle?

"Because I am not good enough as I am?" I am not giving in this easily.

"It wasn't what I meant, America, you know that. I just thought that you missed them and that seeing them would make life at the palace a little easier for you."

"Forget it, Maxon." Doesn't he get that I want to feel needed and loved, not the problem that has to be solved.

"Maxon I need you to ask you a favor. I can't let my parents find out that I'm going home in the report, so can I please borrow the phone."

"Of course, but this conversation isn't over." No, because then I wouldn't be here.

"I will send the phone up to you soon, but I have to be at a meeting in a few minutes. I will see you at dinner." When he is out of the door I go back to the piano, but this time I can't reach the peaceful mind space that I enjoyed earlier.

I decide to get a little sleep before the Report, but I end up looking at the ceiling thinking about what my next move will be. After a half-hour I'm just starring at the ceiling emotionless, waiting for something to happen.

Anne comes over and hands me the phone, in contrast to Maxon she has good timing, I think would have gone insane if I had been lying in the bed for five more minutes.

My mother takes the phone immediately, and my groggy voice is left to save me, maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all.

"America, dear. How is it going? Is something wrong? Has there been another attack?" her voice is filled with anticipation and worry.

"Hello, mum. I am doing fine, but I miss all of you a lot. There was an attack last week, but it was nothing worth mentioning. I called because Maxon has decided that we go home for five days in two weeks." I can hear the phone drop in the other end and a very high-pitched squeak.

"America, is it true are you coming home soon, I can't wait to see you again." May's happy voice fills an empty spot inside of my heart, and in the end, tears are running down my cheeks.

"Yes, it's true, Maxon thought we needed it." I am certain she can hear that my emotions are close to boiling over, but she thankfully chooses not to comment on it.

"I am so happy; he is so generous and caring. I wish I had someone like Maxon, he sounds so perfect." If just she knew how awful and boring life at the palace could be, but maybe May would be perfect for this place, she loved dresses, small talk, and a cheesy love story.

"I would rather be at home; I don't belong here"

"Oh Amy, we miss you too, but this is such a great opportunity, you never have to worry about a thing, you can just sit back and relax, I wish I were you." She sounds so much like my mother it's scary. I hate to sit down and relax; I wish I could do something.

"I know it is, I am just not sure that if it's a great opportunity for me, this isn't the life I dreamed of. Can I speak to dad for a moment?"

"It will work out, okay. Dad is out at the moment, but I can give your message to him if you want." I know it shouldn't devastate as much as it does, but I can't help it.

"It's fine, just look after yourself, I can't wait to come home. Goodbye." As soon as the line goes dead the tears that before was running silently were joined by heavy teardrops that destroyed everything on their way down my face. I fall back on the bed with a loud sound as my head finds its rightful place on the soft pillow.

I wake up to Lucy and Anne discussing what to do with me.

"Are you okay miss" Lucy's soft voice brings me back to reality at in a second my eyes turn dark with fury. Lucy steps away with a shocked expression.

"I'm sorry Lucy, I didn't mean to scare you, it's just Maxon that I'm annoyed with." She calms down a little, but I doubt they will ever get used to my informality with the prince.

When I look in the mirror I get why they got so scared, I look like a monster, my hair is a mess, my eyes are red and swollen, my makeup is all over the place, and my dress is a mess too. Maybe I should just go down there like this, but I decide not to give King Clarkson that satisfaction.

"We can fix it, miss. Let me help you out of the dress, so you can take a bath."

The bath does me little good, but at least I look less of a mess when it's over. Both Lucy, Mary, and Anne work hard in silence to make me look presentable for dinner, I normally enjoy their happy chanter but today I appreciate the silence that lets me think things through. My girls are likely the thing about being here I'm going to miss the most, I wish I could keep seeing them afterward, but the chances are very slim.

I make my way through the palace just in time to step into the dining hall with the other girls. Queen Amberly is the only one sitting at the table and she doesn't seem to notice us so we go right in and sit at our table.

"Where are the king and the prince?" Kriss's voice sounds so fake that it's laughable. Hasn't she gotten used to them coming and going as they please?

"I saw prince Maxon earlier, he said that he would be in a meeting this evening, it was so sad he said we could go golfing, I heard that the palace's golf course is amazing, I went golfing once when I was ten." Natalie just keeps going on about golf, is she eighty or eighteen? I guess I wasn't the only one who got a visit after lunch.

The doors go up and the prince and king come walking in, all of us stand up to give or curtsey but I doubt any of them noticed.

The rest of the dinner takes place in absolute silence, it's nice, I'm not sure I could take their small-talk today.

At the Report I find myself sitting in the back row at the Report, I don't want people to notice me. Maxon looks nervous and in the corner of my eyes I see that he is tugging his ear, I am not in the mood for another heated conversation at the moment, so I simply ignore him.

Seconds later Gavril Fadaye comes out, he starts out by giving a short summary of the last week, I try to look interested, but the entire time I can feel my smile fading.

"Good evening lovely people of Illea, I am your host of this evenings Report, I hope that you are all having a lovely time tonight. We have some exciting news tonight, but first I will present this week's event for you.

The war with New Asia has been going on for several years, but unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's going to stop soon. Yesterday a base in southern New Asia got bombed and 117 Illean soldiers died. Their families have all our condolence in this hard time. This morning a new troop got send out and the king is positive it's going to help the situation." Lies on lies is all I can think. The king knows as well as me that the soldiers' lives are going to end very soon without a thing being changed. I am surprised they even told about the base, and it makes me wonder how many actually died.

"But now on to some lighter news. Prince Maxon and the king had decided that the lovely ladies should have the opportunity to go home for a while during Christmas. The details are still being sorted out, but in two weeks the ladies will leave for their home province where they will spend five days with their family and attending events." At this point the crowd is going wild, everyone is clapping and whistling.

"And of course, we will send all of it to live" The clap salver continues, I wish I could be as excited as them.

"Thank you for watching the Illéa Capital Report, and we'll see you next week." And with that, the lights sent back to normal, and the room was filled with noise again. I quickly made my way out of the room towards my quarters.


	3. Going home

Maxon never visited me after the Report, I guess he didn't want to repeat our last few encounters, I can't blame him but even though I took pride in keeping my distance I found the palace even more lonely than ever before. The few times I saw him during meals and in the halls, he looked miserable, but our bad moods didn't seem to affect the others that much. As the time came to prepare for the trip the atmosphere became hectic and everyone tried to make the loose ties come together. More often than not I found myself wandering around in the garden trying to decide if the palace could ever be my home, it all seemed so cold and fake, and even though the small house in Carolina wasn't much appearance-wise, it had so much emotion-wise.

It was the day before our departure, and the last time I saw the palace in this chaos, was after the first rebel attack, then everyone was running around in a mess that no one seemed to understand. Today it was all about finding out which guards should go with each girl. I got Aspen and one of his friends officer Markson. I didn't look forward to going with Aspen, but I knew my family would be pleased to see him, so I didn't protest against it.

When Anne came to me for the third time of the day asking about what dresses I wanted to bring I decided I needed a break and walked down towards the garden.

Walking around outside always has a calming effect on me. I walk down the small pond and sit down in the long grass. From here I can see the birds in the three and the butterflies flying in between each other. I always sit with my back turned towards the palace, it gives me the illusion of being free and alone.

I turn around when I hear a voice being cleared behind me.

"America, I was looking for you. Do you have time to talk?" Maxon doesn't look like the confident prince I used to see on TV, he looks so much more human.

"I wanted to talk to you after the Report two weeks ago, but you seemed so distant, but I can't let you go without saying goodbye." He sits down beside me, and when I don't answer he continues.

"America, I see that you are not happy right now and I wish I could change that, but I hope you will cheer up because I don't know what to do without you. I will come to Carolina on the fifth day and we can go home together."

"Maxon, never tell a girl to cheer up, and the palace is absolutely not my home, and right now I definitely don't fancy it to ever be my home." The anger in my voice is growing with my every word.

"America I didn't mean it like that, and I truly hope that you will be able to see this as more than just a cage, but for now I need to ask you to find your manners because your attitude is unacceptable and you act like a spoiled child." He turns around and leave me in the grass, how dare he call me spoiled, he is the one who grew up in a palace with everything served on a silver plate, he is the one who gets 35 beautiful women who are throwing themselves at him, he is the one who can get what and who whenever and wherever he wants. And he is calling me spoiled?

I end up crying myself to sleep, the maids wisely decide to let me be, and before I know it I am awakened by Anne. In the corner, there are three suitcases, and a beautiful red dress is already hanging on the dresser. I look around the room and notice a tray with breakfast.

"It has been decided that everyone eats in their rooms today, miss." Ahh, okay so they don't want more chaos or maybe the king is just tired of the talks about which dresses and what makeup should be brought along for the trip. The thought of the king's face when he had to sit by Amberly and the other girls in the fabric room bring a smile to my face.

I finish my strawberry tart and get into the bath they have prepared. I don't think I could ever get used to being washed, but my girls are the best and I wouldn't trade my time with them for any other activity you might be able to do in the palace.

Elise, Maxon, and Natalie are already at the entrance when I arrive. Maxon is starting with Celeste, I assume he wants to get it over as soon as possible, but she definitely sees it as an honor and Kriss went on about it for an entire week. Kriss is the next one to arrive, she comes down with five big suitcases, I guess one suitcase per day is the right amount for a dress-up doll as her. No one says anything we just stand there on a line looking at the staircase like Celeste's arrival will save us all from the awkwardness. She doesn't disappoint. When Celeste arrives just a half-hour too late, she doesn't stop speaking for a minute.

"Oh Prince Maxon, it's sooo good to see you, have you been waiting for me, I'm sooo sorry, my servants aren't very good at their jobs, they packed one of my shoes in bag number five instead of number eight because there wasn't enough space, can you believe that? So, I, of course, let them know that it was completely unacceptable and made sure that they found a new bag. You really need to educate the servants a little better, I know they are sixs or sevens or whatever but some of us have class and like to travel in a manner worthy for us." I can't wait to get away from her, she really needs to experience some real-life problems.

We get into a limousine, and in contrary to the first time, this time the banners are all about me, and I can see the other girls tense up. I feel bad that I'm going to let all my fans down, but they will get over it I'm sure.

In the airport we separate, Elise and Kriss take the same plane, Natalie gets her own and Celeste, Maxon and I board the same plane. Because of Maxon, the security in our plane is really tight, there are guards all over the plane, and our maids are scrunched up in the back.

As the plane starts, I realize this is my second time on an airplane and as soon as we take off my body tenses up. I try to calm down, but the motion is so terrible I feel all the blood drain from my face.

I feel a soft hand on my shoulder, I don't turn around, but by the warm feeling I get, I know that it is Maxon.

"It's okay, it's just a little bumpy in the start." I want to make a comeback, but I feel so bad that I just shake my head softly. He gives my shoulder a soft pat and returns to his seat beside Celeste.

When I look at the sky, I decide to distract myself by drawing it, I plan on giving it to May, I know she will appreciate it.

As soon as we land, we are met with a horde of people. Many of them are screaming my name but I simply wave, I don't want to give them fake hope when I already know it will not work out.

Because I know that the paparazzi is right around the corner, I give Maxon my curtsey and Celeste a quick hug before I hurry into a waiting limousine. The ride takes about an hour, but the realization of soon seeing my family kicks in and the ride feels like it takes several days.

I'm close to bursting with excitement as I step out of the car to see a bunch of redheads waiting for me.


	4. A bunch of readheds

May is the first one to reach me, she throws herself upon me, and for the first time in several weeks, my life seems complete. Tears keep falling down my cheeks and, in the end, we look like a mess of red hair.

"Amy, I missed you so much, you need to tell me everything." Her voice is so close to the breaking point that it makes me smile, but I never get to answer since the next ball of red hair is thrown upon me in the form of Gerad. I wish I wouldn't have to leave again, they mean so much to me and if I could I would go home without blinking my eye, but I know it would be looked down on, and I could never disappoint my mother.

My mom lungs her arms around my neck in a manner I didn't think I would ever see, she seems so happy and carefree that the thought of me being a hindrance to her happiness hurts in a way I have never felt before.

"America my daughter, I have missed you so much, it is not the same without you, I know I can be stubborn, but the family is not the same without your craziness." Did I just imagine that, did she say she missed me? I look for a sign of wavering or something else that could indicate it was all for the pictures, but I see none, so I need to ask.

"You missed me? I thought you wanted me away so I wouldn't interfere in your business." I am so shocked over their glee, I knew they would be happy, but they are just as ecstatic as me.

I look for my father, but I don't see him, in a second all my happiness turns into rage and fear.

"Where is he?"

"He is at home, preparing the food, he can't wait to see you." I sense that something is off, and now I can't even bring a half-hearted smile on my face. I have always been my dad's girl, my mom was always busy growing up, and my dad was so charismatic and caring that for my early childhood he was both my idol and safe space. As time went by, I started spending more time with my mom. We were both in the music industry, while my father, brother, and two sisters were pursuing panting and sculptural careers, this forced us to spend many nights together learning new songs and sewing costumes. But even though it is many years since I became close with my mom, it is still my dad's approval that I seek. The thought of something happening to him is devastating.

"Is he okay?" I'm sure I don't want an honest answer, but the words just fall out of my mouth.

"He has been better, but you don't have to worry honey. He will be fine with time." I don't have to worry? Mom just admitted that my dad isn't well. How can I not worry? It feels like my world is collapsing around me. I can't see clearly; I just feel a numbness in my entire body and my instincts take over. My eyes get clouded and my entire brain shuts down, I know that my legs are moving towards the house, but I don't feel them, they are just doing their own thing and I'm not sure I want to go where they are bringing me.

All the happiness from earlier had left and we all walked the last mile to our home in silence. They didn't drop us off at the house because I was supposed to meet with the mayor, but that would have to wait, right now I just need to see my dad.

When we reach our house, I take myself in thinking the worst. He could be dead, but why would they lie? I know that I won't calm down until I see for myself, so I open the door and slowly steps inside.

As soon as I step in I see a face I have never seen before, he is wearing a uniform and a tight looking face, he looks evil, I have no idea what he is doing inside of my home, but I know that it can't be good news.


	5. A family dinner

I continue inside of the house, for every step I take, my nervousness grow a bit more. I make it past the guard without stopping once but opening the door into the living room takes longer than it should. I take a deep breath and open my eyes to a sight I hoped I would never have to see.

My father is laying pale on a hospital bed by the window. He is covered in bandages, but they do little to hide that he has been shot multiple times. I feel like throwing up, but instead, I make it to his bed. His breathing is shallow, but it looks like his wounds are healing nicely.

When I take his hand, he opens his eyes and looks at me with an apologetic look.

I should have been there for my family, they shouldn't have gone through this without me, I Could have helped. What if this happened because of me? What if someone had shot him because I am a five competing with twos, threes, and fours? The thought hurts me so much that I'm nearly skipping a heartbeat.

The rest of my family is standing in the door waiting for me to break down, I see the pity in their eyes. Why didn't they tell me? I would have left the selection in a heartbeat, was he already like this when I called? Or did they just decide not to call me after it happened? Why is there a guard in the house? Did he report to Maxon or the king?

His eyes close, he looks so peaceful, laying there by the window with the sun shining in on him. It looks like he should be in pain with all the wounds, but he looks so relaxed that it makes me wonder what type of medication he is on.

When we sit down in the evening for dinner everything is wrong. Kenna left with her husband to look after the newborn, dad hasn't shown given any sign of him being there since I came, but Kota is here and from the looks of the rest he hasn't been here since the day I left. Unfortunately, it doesn't surprise me, ever since he sold his first expensive sculpture, he has made it his mission to not be associated with any of us, according to him the name 'Singer' holds little value in his new circle. I thought that my being in the selection would change his view on us, but it seems like it only matters when he is invited to events.

"How is the prince? Is he as romantic on a daily basis as he was at the Halloween party? He looked so in love?" Always count on May to make it about the prince, I thought I would leave it all behind, but I should have known better.

"Can we please not talk about Maxon." And then the room goes quiet again, the awkwardness is filling up the air.

"Why didn't you tell me about dad?" All their eyes grow wide, and they look terrified.

"Shush America. Before the guards hear you, we can't talk about it here." My mom's voice is barely a whisper, but it confirms everything. The guards are here on the king's order, and it is not for their safety.

Thankfully it doesn't look like any of the guards noticed anything. They stand as stiff as ever. I don't think that we will ever find a topic we can discuss, so we just keep eating, until Kota, in the end, find an appropriate topic, who would have thought Kota could be the saver?

"I heard you are supposed to host some events, what are your plans for tomorrow?" He is probably wondering if he can gain anything from it, but I doubt he will be able to.

"I plan to spend the day with some of the children in town. I have arranged to rent some instruments at the local music school." I can see all their faces light up.

"I want it to be the whole day so we would need some food. Could any of you help me?" I know I have a lot of staff, but I want them to feel included. I know that they feel so far away in Angeles and I hope we can work on this together.

"We would be happy to help, May and I could make your favorite chicken dish with rice and saffron. I am sure that Kenna would love to help too, maybe Kota and Gerard could help bring it over." The idea of it being a family project makes me smile.

After dinner, I help my mom clean the dishes. I gave Lucy, Anne, and Mary the evening off. It feels so strange to be home that I couldn't bring my self to add another three to the mix on the first night.

When my mom starts to hum a melody, she used to play on the piano I know that everything, in the end, will be okay.

When I lie in my bed in the night, I cannot fall asleep, I try to comprehend everything that has happened. My dad is wounded, the king has a finger in it, and my family didn't tell me.

I end up looking out of my window trying to see my secret place in the bushes. It is so dark that I can't see a thing for a long time but for a short second I see a flash of light coming from the bushes and I take a quick decision. I put on a sweater and some long pants and crawls out of the window.

I wonder what Aspen would be doing there. We haven't talked much since he came to the palace and I think that we are both aware, that our lives are not meant to be spent together. He has grown so much since our late nights and I have only shrunken. Then I was so sure of myself and I could easily differentiate right from wrong. Now I look in the mirror wondering if the person I am seeing is a friend or an enemy.

When I hit the ground, I realize two things, one being that a guard is standing by the side of the house, and if I'm not quiet I can lose a lot more than I previously thought possible. The other thing that I notice is that I should have worn some shoes, the weather is not as warm as in Angeles, and the comfortable lifestyle I have gotten used to having made me more vulnerable to the simple challenges of living. But neither of the things stop me from continuing towards the bushes.

When I go inside it isn't Aspen that I am met with.


	6. The secret spot's guest

My mom is sitting on the floor with a small candle. I don't think I have ever seen her look this burden. She has dark circles under her eyes and her skin looks gray in the warm light. The smile that earlier was full and bright is now tight. I don't know how she found out about the secret spot, but she clearly knows a lot more than me about many things at the moment.

"Sit America, we need to talk about your father." I sit down on the sad pillow that lies in the corner.

"Ilea has changed for the worse in the time you have been gone, America. The poor are poorer and there are daily fights in the streets." I wonder why I didn't see it, have I really been that ignorant?

"I know that the king keeps information away from you and the other girls. He is scared you are going to speak up because you would be heard." The way she speaks tells me that this is more than just an informing meeting.

"Why do you think that people would listen to me? When I talked about the diaries, people got mad, and when I tried to save Marlee and Carter, people thought I didn't respect the law, and that I was a selfish brat."

"That is exactly what the king wants you to think. Yes, it was irrational, but the lower castes always had your back, and they will still fight for you."

"What do you want me to do? I don't see what I can do when I get shot down as soon as I lift a finger." Doesn't she see that I can't hide because of the selection and I can't speak up because of the king?

"We haven't told you this before, it would put you at risk, but the time has come." She stops to look me in the eyes, and I wonder what she is looking for, so I try to look as powerful and trustworthy as possible. It works, after a few minutes, she continues.

"America, your father is a rebel." I gulp, what? Is my father one of the rebels that attack the palace and the innocent farmers? Does he kill innocent guards because they are trying to protect the country? Is he a northern or a southern rebel?

"Northern" she answers as if she can read my thoughts, and I wonder how she knows that I know about the two groups. I don't know what to say, I wasn't prepared for any of this, so I simply nod. At least he isn't southern.

"I know that you have experienced the attacks from an unfortunate side but know that they don't attack innocents."

"What about the guards?"

"Only one guard has been killed by the group and he was far from innocent, I promise." But a life lost is still a life lost, right?

"Are you a part of the group?" I can't help but wonder if my mom has been fighting battles all along. The last few days have put everything in perspective for me.

"Not on the front line, but I have helped your father and his friends in time of need why else would we always pay the Legers to come clean?" I see my world crumble down in front of me, the Legers? Many pieces come together to something larger, and that is when I realize it.

"Mr. Leger never died in the mines." I don't say it as a question, because I already know the answer.

"No, he didn't, but I can't tell you more at the moment." I nod and start to wonder if he is really dead or he is somewhere out there.

"Is Aspen a rebel?" I can't help but think about the irony of a palace guard fighting on both sides at once.

"Not officially, and I can't tell you more because it is not something we discuss openly, but you are important to the plan, so maybe you will find out in a while." A plan? And is that how she knew about the secret spot?

"What is the plan?"

"I can't tell you yet. But I can tell you what happened to your father." And all of sudden her eyes go black as she begins the story.

_"it all started two weeks ago, the night before you called. I was lying in the bed, but an owl kept howling keeping my awake, but your father never noticed that I wasn't sleeping. It is highly confidential what is happening at the meetings, so I wasn't informed about it happening, and if it hadn't been for me being awake I would never have known he was out for the night. _

_I saw him jump out of the window, but I couldn't look after him, I would have known too much. _

_After that, he walked for miles into a place in the forest. It is an older bunker from before the new world, and the royals don't know about it. He met up with his group, and they walked over the plan. They were supposed to go to the town three hours away in a car with some tunnels that I can't tell you about. They planned to terrorize the mayor's house, but a guard saw them, and two men lost their lives that night. Your father was only shot in the arm, but together with one of his group members, he managed to come back to the tunnel where they walked for three days, trying to come home. _

_I believe that both men made it to the end, but I haven't been told, when your father came back a guard was waiting at the door. That is how your father got shot in the leg. _

_They never saw his face on the night of the attack, so they couldn't prove anything, but you know how the rules are, the guards' words are worth the same as a hundred men's._

_When they realized that it would create a scandal if one of the selection's girl's father was killed, they stepped back and let him recover, but he hasn't been allowed to leave the house since, and I'm doubting they will let him make full recovery. _

_I don't know what happened to the other man, because I haven't been told his name, but I doubt he was as lucky as Shalom."_ I am shocked, I can't believe they didn't tell me sooner.

"How long has this been going on? And why haven't you told me?"

"From before you were born, there has always been a fighter for freedom in your father, I guess that is a part of the reason why I love him so much. And we always knew we would tell you at a point, you are like your father you can take the burden and help the people lift it. None of your siblings know it, but from the day you were born I have known you would become a rebel." I shake my head, how can I be a rebel?

"What about Maxon, how can I make attacks towards a man I have to spend so much time with lately."

"We can't be selfish now, we are in a war, but I doubt that Maxon is like his father so he might not have to die in the name of the cause. Especially if you were to become queen, then you could simply keep him in a tight lash and no one would have to be hurt."

"This was never about the sweet prince, was it? It was always about power." It is a statement, and my voice has switched to whisper-yelling, I am beyond frustrated, but still, somehow it makes me feel a little better that she thinks of me as more than just a pretty face.

"No darling, there is no such thing as a sweet prince."

"But how could you tell me about dad, when you couldn't tell me about anything else?"

"Because the chances of you snitching on your father are low enough and we need you."

"Then what is the plan?"

"All in good time, America. All in good time."


End file.
